Ask Wessel: Are fake Christmas trees better than real ones?

Plus: All-you-can-drink nights, the Olympics of rock, and driving stick.
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Plus: All-you-can-drink nights, the Olympics of rock, and driving stick.

Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at Dana@GoMN.com. You can read the Ask Wessel archives here.

Q: Am I old? I just left an "all you can drink" for $10 event at a bar an hour before the "all you can drink" period ended. - Ben

Old is definitely one way to put it, Ben. But it is Friday and I don’t want to glass-half-empty you heading into the weekend. So how about we give it a positive spin?

I would say this makes you more mature and financially stable. Remember, the reason why we loved all-you-can-drink bits in college is because we were sh*t-poor and it was either plunk your five bucks down to join the masses or go to a house party and drink cheap vodka from a Gatorade bottle.

Now, however, you are an adult with a job. There is no need to be huddled around a bunch of mutants at a bar waiting for your rail vodka soda hastily made in a plastic cup with too much ice. You made the smart, sensible move, (grandpa) Ben.

Q: If Thanksgiving food is garbage, what does that make Thanksgiving leftovers? - John

Worse than eating out of a dumpster behind a strip club the morning after Sloppy Joe Night.

Q: Is the switchblade comb still cool? - Grumpus

I don’t know. I haven’t thought about those in a long time but I definitely want one now.

***Consults Amazon***

Just call me Danny Zuko* because I am gonna be combing my hair in style!!! Only $21 on Amazon Prime Now. Hell yeah.

*Speaking of Zookes and the movie Grease, my wife and I watched it the other night for the first time in years. Add that to the list of movies I can’t believe I saw when I was like eight years old. There is some adult subject matter in a movie I believed was just about some cool singing teenagers. I used to watch it over and over as a kid. There are some lines – in the "Greased Lightning" song in particular – that I don’t even think my editor would let me write on this website.

Here are edited versions of lyrics from the song "Greased Lightning":

  • You know that ain’t no (fecal matter), we’ll be getting lots of (female breast) in Grease Lightning.
  • You are supreme, the chicks will (achieve orgasm).
  • You know I ain’t bragging, she’s a real (female genitalia)-wagon.

Q: Is there an unwritten rule that you can't complain about a free lunch if you don't like it? - Ryan

Are you saying if someone buys you lunch and you don’t like it? Yeah, don’t complain. That is a weak move. It was free. You have no right to complain about the grub. Sorry it wasn’t the best meal of you've ever had. Move on with your life.

This also goes with asking for restaurant recommendations. Nothing more annoying to me when somebody asks for a restaurant suggestion only to come back and tell you how awful they thought it was. “OK? Sorry you didn’t like it. What do you want me to do? Write a Yelp review? Get someone fired? I enjoyed it when I went. And remember, YOU asked ME for a suggestion. I didn’t hold your grandparents hostage until you went and ate there.”

Q: If there was an Olympics of Rock and Roll, what country takes the bronze medal?  - David

Man, this question might make the Ask Wessel Hall of Fame. I laughed very hard. 

I don't even know where to begin answering this question. So I found a random country generator on Google. I asked it to generate three countries. And the bronze goes to...

PAPUA NEW GUINEA!!!! Congratulations! What an honor!

For those wondering, joining Papua New Guinea on the podium are the silver medal winning Bangladesh and the gold medal winning Gabon. Random country generators are fun. I am going to find more reasons to use this thing.

Q: Is New Year’s Eve the most-overrated holiday? - Michelle

New Year’s Eve as a whole? Absolutely not. But the aspect of New Year’s Eve that entails getting dressed up, spending $100 on cover at the bar and 200x Uber surge pricing? Yes, absolutely. The most overrated holiday on the books.

Bars on New Year’s Eve is definitely something you should do a time or two once you’re of age to get out of your system. After that, I am all on Team House Party. Have all your friends over, bring a bunch of booze, make some snacks and ring in the New Year together. It is much more satisfying (and less expensive) than going to an overcrowded bar where you’ll inevitably be standing around a bunch of strangers at midnight because you got separated from your friends.

Q: Does anyone drive a stick-shift anymore? - Andy

Besides the Fast and Furious crew and gearheads who are still customizing their Honda’s? No.

My only experience with manual transmission comes from the game Cruis'n USA, but I once dated a girl that drove a stick. Her car was a LOT nicer than mine so whenever we went to cabins or road trips we would take her ride. Let me tell ya, nothin much better than dating someone who drives a stick when you don’t know how to drive stick. It’s a dream. “I am sorry you’re tired, babe. I’d offer to take over but, well, you know, I can’t drive stick.”

Q: Who was the coolest Rugrat? - Sam

Gotta be Tommy Pickles, right? Is there any other choice? The rest of the kids were fine and all, but Tommy was the ringleader of the whole operation. I loved his "Goonies never say die" sorta attitude. The kid was always up for an adventure. He did more cool sh*t in diapers than I have as a full-grown adult. Tommy was also willing to do anything for his friends. Gotta respect that.

Honorable mention has to go the twins Phil and Lil. They were pretty rad. Loved the brother and sister bond they had.

Also, for the record, Chuckie was pretty annoying.

Q: I am a pinko, commie, tree-hugging environmentalist but I also think anyone who does not use a real Christmas tree should not be allowed to live in America. - Clarence

Eh, fake trees are the way to go. Just so much easier. We had real trees growing up (mostly because I insisted on it, sorry mom and dad) and those things are a disaster. The watering, the needles, getting it in and out of the house. Just get a fake tree and spray some of that tree scent on it. Boom. Merry Christmas.

Q: If Net Neutrality gets killed, does Comcast put the Ask Wessel blog in their premium package? - Alex

Start saving your pennies and robbing banks because Ask Wessel will be in the most premium package there is, baby!

Just kidding. It will probably be the only thing left on the internet you can access for free.

Q: If you had a recurring dream of a snowman killing himself with a hair dryer, would you be concerned? - Phillip

Absolutely. 100 percent.

Alright, that’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! December is here. We almost made it through this god-awful year. Keep on fighting the good fight.

Keep your questions coming to @DanaWessel on Twitter, in the comments section below or email them to Dana@GoMN.com

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