Hey! Have weekend plans? No? Great. We have our latest Go Show at the Fine Line with Bob Moses Friday night. A few tickets are still available. Come hang. Also, Saturday Ben, Giselle and myself will be hanging at the new Bunny’s Bar and Grill location in Northeast for Art-A-Whirl. We will be hanging from 2-6PM. Beer specials, taco bars, live music. Should be a rad time.
Q: I heard you say on the radio that summer sucks and now I don’t think I can ever trust anything you say. – Alex
I need to defend myself a little bit here. Yeah, I was ripping on summer, but I never said that summer sucked. There are many good things about summer! But I think we overrate summer in this state. Summer isn’t all it is cracked up to be.
Allow me to explain. We spend many, many months each year in the Hoth-like frozen wasteland that is Minnesota in the winter. We spend those months dreaming and fantasizing about the summer months ahead. During these very necessary daydreams that get us through the winter, we build up the idea of summer in our head to be this three-month long swatch of paradise that is perfect and immaculate. Sorta like how after a breakup you long for your ex by just remembering the good parts. Our brains are funny like that.
But summer in Minnesota is far from perfect. When we are cubicle-daydreaming about summer, we never think about how summer often turns into one big humid, sunburnt, bugfest.
I could go on, but I’ll stop whining. Again, there are many, many great things about summer. It obviously beats winter. But the spring and fall are far superior seasons. If you are honest with yourself, summer has a lot fewer picture-perfect days on a boat and many more days spent sitting in front of a fan with a bag of frozen peas on your head while your air conditioning is broken. Or maybe I am just loser? Maybe that’s it.
Q: If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how will anyone ever know? – Anna
Former Intern Anna coming in with more mind blowers….
Q: When are other Minnesota sports figures going to copy Bud Grant and have a garage sale? – Adam
Good question. Who else could? There aren’t many people like Bud Grant. We run people out of town in this state, not revere them. I guess Tom Kelly would be the next closest, but he doesn’t really strike me as the garage sale type.
Could you imagine if Brad Childress held a garage sale in Minnesota? People would burn his house down before he even had a chance to open his garage door.
It is an awesome thing that Bud does. It’s cool that he can connect with a younger generation of Vikings fans that weren’t alive when he was making Super Bowl runs in his short sleeves. I wish I grew up when Bud was the coach of the Purple. The Vikings have been either embarrassing, disappointing, or a combination of the two my entire life. Would have been nice to see the glory years.
Q: What’s the secret to getting that little bit of chicken from the middle of the wingy? – Alex
This is one of the tougher parts about eating wings — getting that elusive little bit of chicken from the middle of the wingy. You see, I am a GD monster and make sure there is zero meat left on wing bones when I eat them. I can’t stand people that leave a wounded wing on the plate. Clean that thing to the bone.
I think the best thing to do is to kinda jam your finger through the middle, breaking the bones and freeing the delicious bit of meat stuck in the middle of the wingy. No need to be delicate. The chicken did not suffer a terrifying deep-fried death for you not to enjoy the full bounty of their delicious meat. Just rip those bones apart.
Q: How is it we assume dinosaurs roared? They could’ve spoken English?! – Jackie
Because Jurassic Park told us they roared.
I am a man of science when it comes to everything in my life EXCEPT dinosaurs. I will not hear any BS theories about how the raptors were dumb little animals or that dinosaurs had feathers. To me, dinosaurs will always be exactly what they were in Jurassic Park. Big fierce, ferocious animals that interrupted you from eating your delicious lime gelatin in the middle of an empty restaurant in a not-yet-opened dinosaur theme park.
So any scientists or archaeologists reading this: please stop looking into dinosaurs. Stop discovering stuff. We are good on dinosaurs. They are just like they are in JP. That’s it. That’s final. Devote your time and brains to something else. Don’t crush my Jurassic dreams.
Q: How is 2 Broke Girls still on the air? – Ben
America loves simple humor and beautiful women.
Q: How the heck did you make it past 30 and never eat at a Taco John’s? – Ryan
A lot of people have been asking me this since I confessed last week that I had never eaten Taco John’s. I didn’t think it would be that big of a revelation. I mean, how many Taco John’s are in this state? There weren’t any near me where I grew up in Eagan. Plus, for every one John’s there are about 5,000 Taco Bells in Minnesota.
So I had it for the first time and it was fine. But that isn’t the real story. The real story is that my friend Michael Rand of the Star Tribune ate 15 tacos. Check out my thread of tweets from this glorious moment. I was in awe. I had never seen anything like it. The best part was, none of us had bet him or dared him to eat 15 tacos. It was just a man confident in his ability to eat 15 tacos stepping up to the plate and meeting destiny. I know now how the apprentices must have felt in the 16th century watching Michelangelo complete the Statue of David.
Michael Rand walked into that skyway Taco John’s a man on Thursday. But he walked out a living legend. #Respect
Q: Which is superior…Taco Bell or Taco John’s? – Nicki
Gotta be Taco Bell. Taco John’s is more of just a novelty you get on a whim during a road trip. Taco Bell is the real OG taco king.
Q: In what month should I get married? – Jenna
Quick question. Do you know what time it is? Hold on…I think…I think it’s….POWER RANKINGS TIME! ***Big explosive sports radio intro music*** It’s time for Dana Wessel’s Wedding Month POWER RANKINGS! ***More explosion sounds***
- September – Partially biased here because I got married in September. But I really think it is the perfect month. People’s summer traveling is over. It is still nice out but not ungodly hot like the middle of the summer.
- May – May flowers! Good chance it will be nice and not humid.
- October – Fall weddings are just the balls, you guys.
- June – June is fun! But you start running into wedding/summer vacation
- April – Just avoid the April showers
- July – Too hot. And don’t you dare have your wedding over the 4th of July.
- August – Too hot.
- March – Eh, this seems about right for a month as average as March.
- January – Too cold.
- December – Just don’t. People are too busy.
- November – Same as December.
- February – Everything about February sucks. February is the worst month for everything. Don’t get married in February.
Q: Is there a point (and what is it) where a great movie gets overexposed? Pulp Fiction, one of my all-time top 10, has been on cable about five times a week for three months. I’d rather watch infomercials now. Will this loathing go away? – Phil
Man, I am the wrong guy to ask this question. I am the guy who has people tweet me anytime they notice a Fast and Furious or Nic Cage movie is on TV. There are certain movies I never get sick of watching. It isn’t a bit either. I think my wife is about one or two more viewings of National Treasure II away from pulling a Gone Girl on me.
But when it comes to movies like Pulp Fiction and other classics that get gutted because of censors and commercials, you should never watch them on cable. Catching a random half-hour of Pulp Fiction every now and again with lines like “I DON’T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOSH DARN THING” and “DOES…MARCELLUS…LOOK…LIKE…A BOZO? THEN WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TREAT HIM LIKE ONE?” is just a drag.
Sometimes you have to just pop in the DVD and watch these flicks the way they were intended. That should help with the loathing and overexposure.
Alright! That’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Get out there and keep the dream alive. Hopefully see you at Fine Line and Bunny’s Northeast.