Q: How come weed smokers get 4/20 but drinkers don’t get a national holiday? – Sam
Because the other 364 days of the year are basically drinking holidays? Included in those days are Super Bowl Sunday, St Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Halloween, Vin Diesel’s birthday, the night before Thanksgiving, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day.
Drinkers are doing just fine. We can give them one day.
Q: When did you know (your wife) Heather was “the one”? – Giselle
It happened relatively quickly in our relationship. I have told this before a few times on our show. There just comes a point in your relationship where you can’t remember what your life was like before you met that person and, more importantly, can’t imagine any part of your future without them. I felt that way very quickly about Heather.
Everyone who has ever met Heather immediately understands why I felt that way. She is simply the greatest. There is no woman who is sweeter, smarter, more caring and beautiful than her. I wasn’t going to do any better than Heather. No man could do any better than Heather. I really did get lucky.
Plus, she got me a freaking Donkey Kong machine for my birthday. I mean, come on!
Alright, enough mushy stuff. Let’s get to a question about Gronk.
Q: Your boy Gronk has now crashed Wrestlemania and and a White House press briefing. What should be next in the latest Summer of Gronk? – Rob
Everything. Absolutely everything. I want Gronk everywhere. I think he should retire from football and just keep showing up random places. It is much safer and means we can preserve Gronk and his precious little brain as long as possible if he quits that violent sport.
Think of how great it would be?
Person 1: “Hey did you see Gronk showed up and hosted the Price is Right the other day?”
Person 2: “Yeah, that was great. But not as classic as him delivering the State of the Union.”
Person 1: “Definitely. I am also stoked to buy the new iPhone after seeing him hit Tim Cook with a chair during the last Apple event.”
I have also noticed we have reached the point in Gronk phenomenon where there is backlash. You see, people love nothing more than being the first person on the internet to say something that was once universally beloved now sucks. It is the great race of our generation.
I don’t see how anyone couldn’t like Gronk. I am not even talking about him as a football player. I am talking about him as a gleeful dude who loves nothing more than having a good time and making people smile. We did more people like Gronk in 2017. Gronk forever.
Q: What is the shortest allowable distance I can get delivery/Bitesquad from before I am a lazy POS? There is a Jimmy Johns two blocks away from my new apartment and I have already ordered there multiple times. – Dave
Oh, you’re fine. There is no limit when it comes to getting delivery. The whole point of getting delivery is because you don’t want to leave the house. Doesn’t matter if the place is five feet or five miles. Putting on pants sucks. Sometimes you just want something brought to you. Don’t feel bad.
Plus, I am sure the people delivering the food love those short routes. The tip is still the same. Keep ordering, my man.
Q: Does it bother you that athletes skip White House visits (after they win a championship)? – Mark
There are so many stupid stories that get reported in the sports world. I get it, and I am part of the problem as a big sports fan. I contributed to the beast that is the 24/7 sports news cycle growing so out of control that it’s headline news anytime a Vikings practice squad player clogs a toilet.
But of all the ridiculous stories, this might be the dumbest. Who cares? Athletes skip the White House trip all the time, regardless of who is President. Know what? The reasons probably aren’t even political. Maybe someone’s kid had a birthday party. Maybe one of the Patriots was enjoying one of the very few weeks a year he can just be an average joe before mini camp starts and he needs to resume smashing his head into things.
Hell, if I were a player and were in my DC getting ready to go to the visit and noticed the hotel had a game room or there was a good Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives marathon on TV I might even just call in sick.
As humans, we have a limited amount of effs to give about things. We shouldn’t waste one of our effs on whether or not a rich athlete felt the need to take a day trip to DC.
Q: Can you do me a favor and put together an all-encompassing guide to what shows and movies are streaming on what platform? It is impossible to keep it all straight. – Adam
You are so right. It is obnoxious. Maybe Adam and I are just idiots, but I can never keep stuff straight, especially with things coming and going each month. Like, say I want to watch South Park. I have to check Comcast On-Demand, Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime. There should be just one big searchable database that lets you know where to find stuff.
But to answer your question? No. I am not going to do that. That is too much work. Somebody else do it and send me a link. Thank you.
Q: Sean Spicer got some heat for saying some pretty dumb stuff last week. What is the dumbest thing you have ever said on air? – Andrea
Nothing as dumb as ol Spicey, thankfully.
I used to work in sports talk radio so I am sure I had some really dumb NUCLEAR HOT TAKES along the way, but thankfully I can’t remember any of them specifically. I try to block that era out.
But the dumbest thing — and I have somehow done it quite a few times — is accidentally saying the phone number or name of a station I used to work at on the air of the current station I work at. That is embarrassing. Those phone numbers and call letters just get burned into your brain like a classic movie quote and sometimes they just pop out.
Q: Whenever I go day drinking with my friends I can never keep up with them. I am getting old and can’t hang like I used to. So I always end up going home for a nap and then meeting them back out later. Wouldn’t it be nice if bars just had a cot in the back for lightweights like me to take a quick siesta? – Amy
That would be amazing in a perfect world, Amy. But no bar would ever allow that. The risk and liability is just too high. Also, drunk people find ways to hook up in bars even without access to a room with a bed/cot in it. You really wanna make it easier for people? Imagine taking a harmless solo nap on one of those things after the bar had been open a few months? The Dateline black light test episode would make you wanna puke.
So as much as I would love a bar where a disco nap would be possible, I just can’t see it working out. Too much room for shenanigans. Plus, it would run in direct competition to my Nap Mobile idea — an RV that has separate sleeping pods for tired people to take naps.
Q: Two people I work with (mid-20s) just admitted they have no idea what Legends of the Hidden Temple is is. Should they be fired? – Ben
I am surprised they were even hired in the first place. What the hell is the interview process like at your place of employment, Ben? I put this one on you.
I might actually start throwing these questions into the interview for potential interns. This may come as a shock to you if you are a regular reader here, but I don’t really take those interviews all that seriously. Our main goal is to find someone motivated that we wouldn’t mind hanging out with at the crack of dawn each day. Basically, Ben, Giselle and myself are looking for a fourth best friend when hiring interns.
But from now on I am going to end each interview with a lightning round of trivia questions from my youth to make sure they aren’t a total stooge. I’ll put some questions here so you can borrow them for your future interviews with the youth of America
- Who is Mario’s brother?
- Finish this saying, “Austin 3:16 just said ________”?
- Name the jerk who managed The Max that broke up Kelly and Zack?
- Who hosted TRL?
- Name an Adam Sandler movie that was good?
- Who shot Mr Burns on The Simpsons?
- Name the four Ninja Turtles and what weapon they each use?
- Who wrote Goosebumps?
And finally, an essay question:
Throughout the 1990s, we were blessed with many beautiful, intelligent female television characters to look up to and admire. Two of the more prominent female leads were Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell and Topanga Lawrence from Boy Meets World. If given the opportunity, which of these two would you prefer to date and/or be best friends with and why? Your answer should be no shorter than 1,000 words and contain at least 10 episode-specific moments to support your conclusion.
Q: How impressive is it that Serena Williams won a major WHILE PREGNANT?! – Megan
Impressive doesn’t do it any justice. She is the GOAT. Of any sport. She is just amazing. I can barely run a mile the morning after having a few beers. Shipping a trophy while not dropping a single set with a bundle of joy in the oven? GTFO. She isn’t human. She is Wonderwoman.
Q: Do you ever just look up at buildings and wonder how the hell people built them? It’s just amazing? – Brian
It should come as no surprise that this question was emailed on 4/20.
Alright, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Everybody get out and enjoy this weekend. Keep the dream alive and never say die.